© Maaretta Tukiainen’s photo Heidi Strengell, wallpaper Maria Evseyeva
One exudes enthusiasm as a new project begins while the other bites his nails in stress and imagines the horrors of the end of the world. Change coach and author Maaretta Tukiainen explains why a coworker’s views can sometimes be outrageous so that his eyes get dark.
You can already see how we are doing at work at the door. It’s easy for a guest to notice that something on the team is blackmailing – and badly.
– What’s the mood like? Are you welcoming a new person to become a guest? Is it said hey, come here, are you having coffee? These are the kind of everyday courtesy rules. Is the atmosphere relaxed? Can people be their own? Describes change coach and author Maaretta Tukiainen.
Among other things, Tukiainen, a new video course for on-the-job training, A message of good spirits, crystallizes around constructive interaction skills. In the past, he has written, among other things, a book Good mood skills.
Constructive interaction can help you cope with a difficult situation
The constructive and compassionate interaction is the American Doctor of Psychology Marshall B. Rosenberg developed by the theory. The method is also commonly abbreviated NVC, which comes from English words Nonviolent Communication.
It is based on the idea that everyone has similar, basic human needs. The idea is to learn to express oneself and one’s needs clearly, compassionately and by listening to others, and to avoid, for example, pointing, condemning, discriminating or criticizing.
Tukiainen believes that constructive interaction can only cope with a difficult situation. In his work, Tukiainen has noticed that most of the everyday problems are crystallized in communication problems.
– However, I am not a psychologist or doctor, but a coach and non-fiction writer, and I am currently training to be a director of constructive interaction, Tukiainen points out.
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When someone in the corner of the office mutters in disbelief for a new way of working and does everything as if embarrassed using the old way, the surface is prone to tightening. Stock Photo.
Why surface starts to tighten at work?
When there is a rush, the work speeds up. At the same time, one should lead oneself, make quality decisions and still communicate them to others.
The modern values the quality of the work community – that is, that it is heard, seen and understood. When in the corner of the office then someone mutters in disbelief to a new way of working and does everything as if embarrassed using the old way, the surface is prone to tightening.
– One should learn to appreciate the difference of another. The problem comes from not realizing we are different. When we are busy and stressed, we can’t calm down to interact, Tukiainen describes.
There are two things about each of us: interpretations and ‘expectations. Life experiences and upbringing have taught us to expect certain things. That’s why one exudes excitement as a new project begins while the other bites their nails in stress and imagines the horrors of the end of the world.
– We often imagine that we are smarter than we are, and we know more things than we know. But only if he masters his ability to monitor himself is he able to see himself as if from the outside, Tukiainen describes.
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“Sthe air glass frame through which we look at the world “
Tukiainen speaks ajatusharhoista. Often we observe the world only through ourselves. We carry with us various filters, that is, the beliefs and interpretations of how we should be taught or absorbed by the family and society.
– The filter is a bit like augmented reality, the spectacle frame through which we look at the world. The essential thing is that what we pay a lot of attention to is strengthened. If you tend to emphasize negative interpretations, you also see mostly negative things, Tukiainen says.
– The precondition for survival as a human species has been that the dangers are detected with lightning speed, that the snake does not bite, or that it is not eaten. Therefore, we find the negative more easily than the positive.
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Sometimes, however, another person’s words and views begin to infuriate so that their eyes darken. Anger takes power, eats everything in its path; begins a shout-out that regrets later.
– I would say that in that situation a person has stretched beyond his own values. The truth of the other challenges you and the so-called sacred values that are important to you, Tukiainen says.
Human needs are good to disguise
It is said that opinions cannot be disputed. Sometimes the conflict arises from the fact that it is not possible to show who is absolutely right.
– Everyone has their own interpretation and reality. One must also be able to accept that the other has a different perception, and both realities can coexist. It’s hard. How could you show respect or caring, and still say I don’t think the same way?
You can also tell another that you don’t want to talk about a particular issue now. This avoids conflict, for example, at a party.
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Sometimes, however, another person’s words and views begin to infuriate so that their eyes darken. Stock Photo.
Of course, debate is also taught at university, and often involves polarizing language that tends to bring out differences. Tukiainen does not consider it constructive. Sometimes, according to Tukiainen, human needs are good to disguise as a rational debate.
– The saying “black feels like” in the outfit of an emotion outfit is not, I think, an emotion. It is a belief, or a rationalized explanation. In my opinion, it is a message that a person does not speak honest emotional speech, that is, he does not recognize and cannot express his own feelings, Tukiainen says.
– It would be better to first look at yourself: what feelings do I have, am I irritated or scared? Many times behind the reaction is fear or shame, or guilt or anger.
If you are in emotional turmoil, do this
Of course, their bad behavior cannot be put on the necks of others. Every adult has a responsibility for their own quality interaction.
– If someone is emotionally excited, for example, a coworker is really heavy and in a tense state, it provokes a backlash. Then you can suggest taking a little oxygen and continuing the conversation after five minutes. Probably it fits. If it doesn’t fit, ask because it would fit, Tukiainen will advise.
– Awareness means that I take the time to first calm myself. I’m doing something that will break that difficult situation. I inhale a couple of times, count to ten, take a short walk, or go outside to bark oxygen.
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Once the oxygen has been taken in, one can return to the conference room. Both share their observations of the situation without interpretations. For example: “I showed you my report and you said it wasn’t valid. I felt offended because I had worked hard on the report.”
– If both shout at the same time, there is no connection. Instead, you should listen to the other person’s experience and then try to say his or her feelings: are you disappointed or sad? I find that annoys you. Would you like to tell me what annoys you? Through this, one can access another’s experience and deeper needs.
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Maaretta Tukiainen. Photo by Heidi Strengell
“Many people work at work for too long a day because their own borders are not healthy “
According to the saying, a person can be either happy or right. Tukiainen believes that although it is not always possible to be flexible, flexibility is most often an advantage. Sometimes, however, it can also be a nuisance.
– Here we will recognize when flexibility becomes a threat to one’s own well-being. That limit should not be exceeded, he recalls.
– Many people work at work for too long days because their own boundaries are not healthy. I myself have been guilty of this before, try performing as if to prove to myself that when I do this a lot, I am more acceptable. It is a kind of fear of being rejected. It is quite amusing on the one hand and tragic on the other, because work can be done to the pin of the world, and it will not become any more acceptable if you do not accept yourself as you are!
Instead of drilling alone, it would be important to understand that in the workplace, employees most often have a common goal that needs to be achieved. Therefore, it is not essential to argue about who was right in the end.
– It would be worth thinking that the goal is bigger than both of us. How can we work together, using the strengths of both, to serve the common goal as effectively as possible? When the focus is placed on a common issue, it leaves who was right, Tukiainen says.