‘So did you get lucky with Locky? Your face screams “yes!”‘ they asked.
Sorry to say ladies, Bella and Locky didn’t just get lucky on Wednesday’s The Bachelor, they steered a sail boat sideways – that’s like fifth base or some s**t.
And yet all Bella could muster was ‘a lady never tells’. That’s funny, because me and 380,000 other 18-49-year-olds (Paradise demo numbers, Yikes!) just saw it happen.
‘So did you get lucky with Locky? they asked. Sorry to say ladies, Bella and Locky didn’t just get lucky on Wednesday’s The Bachelor, they steered a sail boat sideways – that’s like fifth base or some s**t
And yet all Bella could muster was ‘a lady never tells’. That’s funny, because me and 380,000 other 18-49-year-olds (Paradise demo numbers, Yikes!) just saw it happen
One For The Oldies
All 21 of Locky’s girlfriends – including Zoe-Clare, who was shockingly found ALIVE in the water fountain – gathered in the lounge room
All 21 of Locky’s girlfriends – including Zoe-Clare, who was shockingly found ALIVE in the water fountain – gathered in the lounge room.
They’re blabbering on about a letter sitting on the coffee table but we’re too distracted by the bonkers set design to care.
Not sure if you’re aware, but in its conception, The Bachelor was intended as a ‘real life’ version of a daytime soap (only with WORSE actors. Why do we watch this crap?)
They’re blabbering on about a letter sitting on the coffee table but we’re too distracted by the bonkers set design to care. In its conception, The Bachelor was intended as a ‘real life’ version of a daytime soap (only with WORSE actors. Why do we watch this crap?)
The Young and the Restless influence persists to this day – down to the godawful set design which looks like the front display table at Peter’s Of Kensington crossed with a funeral home.
We’re talking thirty candles on every surface, an equal amount of designer candle holders and the kind of fugly lamps that don’t leave the store until the owner dies.
Look at that set! We’re talking thirty candles on every surface, an equal amount of designer candle holders and the kind of fugly lamps that don’t leave the store until the owner dies
Is this Channel Ten’s desperate ploy to appeal to the elusive over 50 audience? If so, why not replace Osher with Mike Whitney? Mums love him and he will work for free.
‘Just set old Mikey up with one of the rejects from week one, that’s all I ask!’ – Mike.
Show Don’t Tell
While we were busy calling Ten demanding they fire the set designer (who we find out is an 85-year-old blind man named Dennis) Bella got chosen for a solo date
While we were busy calling Ten demanding they fire the set designer (who we find out is an 85-year-old blind man named Dennis) Bella got chosen for a solo date.
Cut to Locky sitting on a sail boat, bragging about how adventurous he is.
‘I don’t want to intimidate a mere mortal with my exhilaratingly superior lifestyle, so we’re just gonna take it human speed,’ he explained.
Alright mate, settle down. You go bouldering on weekends and own a wetsuit.
Cut to Locky on a sail boat, bragging about how adventurous he is. ‘I don’t want to intimidate a mere mortal with my exhilaratingly superior lifestyle, so we’re just gonna take it human speed,’ he explained.
Oldest trick in the Bear book: If you’re intent on giving off BGE (Bear Grylls Energy) and want to impress Bella, why not drink your own p**s? Or is that ‘moving too fast’?
If you’re intent on giving off BGE (Bear Grylls Energy) and want to impress Bella, why not drink your own p**s? Or is that ‘moving too fast’?
The date went off without a hitch – never mind the poor boat hire bloke who had to do all the work while two social media flogs dry humped and pretended to steer.
At one point Bella nearly burst into tears after managing to ‘steer the sail boat sideways.’
The date went off without a hitch – never mind the poor boat hire bloke who had to do all the work while two social media flogs dry humped and pretended to steer (Not Pictured: The bloke doing all the work)
This was played up like the nautical equivalent of landing on the moon, a reference that surely went over the heads of all the landlocked teenage viewers.
‘I steered me Nissan Skyline sideways once and all I got was 6 demerit points and an ignition interlock!’
At one point Bella nearly burst into tears after managing to ‘steer the sail boat sideways.’ This was played up like the nautical equivalent of landing on the moon, a reference that surely went over the heads of all the landlocked teenage viewers
Viewers: ‘I steered me Nissan Skyline sideways once and all I got was 6 demerit points and an ignition interlock!’
The date culminated with a steamy pash in the ocean, which felt like a step backwards after their all-but-penetrative encounter on top deck.
And yet all the other bachelorettes got was ‘a lady never tells!’
Call the boat hire bloke and/or anyone living in Point Piper who owns a pair of binoculars, they’ll tell!
The date culminated with a steamy pash in the ocean, which felt like a step backwards after their all-but-penetrative encounter on top deck.
Face says it all
Just Shoot Me
The other women were thrown a bone in the closing segment, which was the series staple photoshoot. ‘These photos will be published in print Australia-wide!’ promised Osher
The other women were thrown a bone in the closing segment, which was the series staple photoshoot.
‘These photos will be published in print Australia-wide!’ promised Osher.
Really? These godawful photos? Steph’s dressed as a bloke, Nicole’s the bartender who won’t stand behind the bar and Zoe-Clare just upskirted herself on the counter.
Really? These godawful photos? Steph’s dressed as a bloke, Nicole’s the bartender who won’t stand behind the bar and Zoe-Clare just upskirted herself on the counter. Don’t bother trying to on-sell them to this publication, you can keep them!
Don’t bother trying to on-sell them to this publication, you can keep them!
The basis of this staged segment was to have the women fawn over Locky in a variety of roleplaying scenarios, each one more insestuos than the next.
‘I’m playing the sl*tty, jealous sister, so why is Steph getting more Locky-time as the closeted father-in-law?’ complained new villain Laura.
The basis of this staged segment was to have the women fawn over Locky in a variety of roleplaying scenarios, each one more insestuous than the next
‘I’m playing the sl*tty, jealous sister, so why is Steph getting more Locky-time as the closeted father-in-law?’ complained new villain Laura
Laura is the worst kind of reality TV villian. Not evil, just annoying and overly scripted. A real channel-changer.
‘I’m the fiancée on a ring shopping trip with my future husband!’ beamed Roxi. ‘But Locky can’t take his eyes or hands off ‘skanky Michael Hill employee’, Rosemary.’
It’s safe to say these photos will be lining litter boxes Australia-wide in a matter of days.
It’s safe to say these photos will be lining litter boxes Australia-wide in a matter of days. Pictured: Roxi getting jealous at ‘skanky Michael Hill jeweller’, played by Rosemary
A Locky Always Tells
The best part about The Bachelor this year is that Locky bears none of the stoicism of his forebearers (Tim Robards, Matt Agnew, Matty J et al). He’s about as subtle as a neck tatt
The best part about The Bachelor this year is that Locky bears none of the stoicism of his forebearers (Tim Robards, Matt Agnew, Matty J et al). He’s about as subtle as a neck tatt.
Take the surprise arrival of busty blonde intruder Kaitlyn at the end of Wednesday’s episode for example.
In previous seasons, your Robards types would have kept a straight face so as to not offend the other women. He would have swaggered over, bowed and placed a solitary breath mint on her outstretched palm.
Not Locky. Locky saw the contestants gasping at the hot blonde sauntering towards him and sprinted full force towards her.
Take the surprise arrival of busty blonde intruder Kaitlyn at the end of Wednesday’s episode for example. In previous seasons, your Robards types would have kept a straight face so as to not offend the other women
Not Locky. Locky saw the contestants gasping at the hot blonde and sprinted full force towards her. ‘Here comes another one! First I bang Bella and now this? What a day!’ he yelled, loud enough that all 22 of his girlfriends could hear him
‘Yoo! Here comes another one!’ he yelled, loud enough that all 22 of his girlfriends could hear him.
‘First I bang Bella and now this? What a day!’
Sorry Bella. A Locky always tells.
Sorry Bella. A Locky always tells