Feeling overwhelmed by your to-do list? Agreed to favours you now resent? For such a tiny word, it’s incredibly hard for so many of us to say ‘no’. But try it, explains psychotherapist Sarah Crosby. It could transform your life
Why is it that so many of us find it impossible to say ‘no’ – only to find ourselves spread too thinly? Why does refusing to do something make us feel guilty or that we’ve let someone down? If this sounds familiar, then your boundaries need some attention. Having limits about what you do and don’t feel happy about and letting people know isn’t selfish. Believe it or not, it’s the ultimate form of self-care…
What are boundaries?
Setting boundaries doesn’t typically spring to mind when most of us think about self-care, yet it’s one of the most effective ways we can truly take care of ourselves. Boundaries are like limits for our emotional, psychological and physical health. And having a lack of them opens the door for others to determine our thoughts, feelings and needs.
Setting boundaries can improve our relationships, keep us safe, help us avoid feeling manipulated, resentful or taken for granted, and teach others how we would like them to interact with us. What’s more, they help us to protect ourselves from burnout and harmful behaviour. Knowing your limits and telling others about them is powerful stuff!
But there are common misconceptions about boundaries. We think that they push people away. By saying ‘no’ to an activity or favour, we think we’re being selfish. Or by setting limits we are somehow being bossy or demanding. One of the most worrying myths is that they don’t apply to relationships with close family or partners.
Why we should set limits for everyone
Ironically, setting clear boundaries does the complete opposite to pushing people away – it actually creates a connection in the long run, within friendships, romantic relationships and families. This is because they are all about showing trust and respect for ourselves and others. In fact, the only people who are likely to make us feel that we are in some way being selfish by setting out our limits are the people who have been benefiting from us having none.
Let’s be clear: asking for a change is not telling someone what to do. Everyone has the right to say yes, no or propose a compromise. Unlike manipulation, this isn’t about gaining control or power over someone; it’s about making choices about our own behaviour and our own life.
And ‘it’s family’ is not a free pass for disrespectful or bad behaviour. If we wouldn’t accept similar behaviour from outside our family, why allow it from our siblings, parents or other relatives? Many people bite their tongue about certain things, accepting another’s behaviour as ‘just the way they are’, or walk on eggshells in an attempt to keep a semblance of harmony. However, boundaries are necessary even in the most well-functioning of family relationships.
The three types of boundary
Rigid These function like walls. They keep others firmly away. If your boundaries are rigid, you may have a hard time sharing your feelings or worries and asking for help, while intimacy and close relationships may be a struggle for you.
Porous You may overshare personal information, find it difficult to say no and/or feel responsible for the emotions of others. You often accept disrespectful behaviour, whether you mean to or not, and are afraid of not being liked.
Healthy These boundaries fall somewhere in the middle of the two previous extremes. If you have healthy boundaries you are able to say no without guilt, communicate your wants and needs and choose to let in only those you wish.
You don’t compromise your values and accept the decisions of others. Some of our boundaries are more obvious than others, such as how much time we spend with someone or how much we choose to share. Other boundaries may not be so clear until we’ve gone beyond them. For example: the amount of news and social media we consume; the length of time we’re willing to listen to other people venting or sharing their pain; when a family member gossips about another family member or a friend messages you all the time or continues to show up at your house unannounced. The key to understanding where boundaries are required comes from you.
How to set your limits
1 Identify them
We can’t set good boundaries if we are unsure of what we want them to be. This can be hard, particularly if you didn’t have healthy behaviours modelled for you as a child. Many of us don’t know that a limit has been crossed until we begin to feel out of sorts.
A good way to identify a limit is to recall past experiences where you have felt frustration, resentment, discomfort or defensiveness about a line having been crossed. How did your body feel when this happened? Did your heart race? Your face flush? Were you shaking?
In light of this, consider what you can accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable. What are you willing to tolerate and what is a hard no? Learning to tune into the messages you receive from your body and mind will help you identify what your limits are.
2 Explain the consequences
It is important to let others know what the consequences will be if they cross your limit. While it’s best to avoid harsh ultimatums, you need to be honest about what actions you are willing to take. Be gracious but firm.
If you’re nervous about what you need to say, try writing down some thoughts before you tackle the discussion, complete with a consequence that makes it clear what will happen if your boundary isn’t respected. For example, if you feel uncomfortable during a phone call, you could say, ‘If you continue to speak to me in that way, I’ll have to hang up.’
3 Communicate
Knowing your limits is great, but of little use if you don’t follow through by communicating this to others. Being clear and assertive can be scary, so start small with people you don’t know and build up your skills from there. For example, if there’s been a mistake with your food order, tell the waiter in a firm but friendly way. If an acquaintance asks you something private that you’d rather not talk about, say no. If you’re overcharged, politely tell the cashier. These small interactions with strangers, where the risks feel small, are great ways of building up your assertive abilities.
4 Stand by your boundary
This is often the most challenging part, as it requires both strength and consistency when people test your resolve.
There will always be some people who will try to push back and say things such as, ‘You’ve changed’, ‘I miss the old you’ or ‘You’re being really selfish.’ It’s normal to experience some level of push-back, especially from people who have grown accustomed to your previous behaviour. The trick is to anticipate it and take it as a test that enables you to reinforce your limits. Your self-esteem will thank you for it. When sticking to your limits gets tough, it’s important to remember why you set them. Remind yourself that you need them for your wellbeing, no matter what others may say. Nothing communicates your boundaries better than living by them.
Use the right words… at the right time
When you set out your limits to others, you’re both asking them to respect them and making it clear what you will do if they deny your requests. To do that we use ‘boundary statements’, which all use the word ‘I’.
For occasions and holidays
★ ‘I want to spend time with you, but if you keep talking about [topic] in that way, I will go.’
★ ‘No thanks, I’ve had enough to drink.’
★ ‘Thanks for inviting me. Just a heads-up, I’ll only be able to stay until 8.30.’
★ ‘I would love to catch up. It’s too late now but how about [day/time] instead?’
With family and friends
★ ‘I am not looking for advice. If you can, right now, I’d really like you to listen.’
★ ‘I appreciate that but I’d like to try taking care of this by myself. I will let you know if I need some help.’
With partners
★ ‘I’m feeling really tired today. Could you take care of dinner later?’
★ ‘When I get home from work, I would like to unwind for half an hour before we talk about our day. Could we agree to try this?’
★ ‘I would love to spend some quality time with you without our phones in the evening. Can we discuss putting them away?’
★ ‘I love having the weekends together, but I would also like to have some time to meet up with friends and family. Let’s talk about how we could balance this.’
During an argument
★ ‘I need to take some space right now so that we can continue to communicate effectively. I’ll come back in 20 minutes.’
★ ‘I understand you’re angry right now, but it is not OK to speak to me in that way. If you continue, I will leave the room.’
★ ‘We keep going back to this point without making any progress towards a solution. Can we take some time to think about what really needs to be addressed?’
5 Minute Therapy: Mental Notes for Everyday Happiness, Confidence and Calm by Sarah Crosby will be published by Cornerstone on 31 December, price £14.99. To pre-order a copy for £13.19 until 27 december, go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3308 9193. Free UK delivery on orders over £15.
Follow Sarah @themindgeek