A father who battled postnatal depression has revealed he ‘loathed himself’ ahead of the birth of his son, and used to ‘feel nothing’ as he held his newborn child.
Father-of-two James Bhattacherjee, from South East London, suffered severe anti and post-natal depression before and after the birth of his first son Ted, now five, and appeared on This Morning to speak about his mental health battle.
He told that after the birth of Ted, he would hold his child and cry while ‘apologising’ that he could not be ‘the father he deserved’, and felt as though he had ‘failed’ his wife Hannah and their son.
Father-of-two James Bhattacherjee, pictured with his wife Hannah and two children, from South East London, suffered severe anti and post-natal depression before and after the birth of his first son Ted
Appearing on This Morning to speak about his mental health battle, he revealed he ‘loathed himself’ at the peak of his mental health battle
James, who now works to spread awareness of postnatal depression in men, told that he felt his mental health as a father was ‘sidelined’ ahead of their son’s birth .
‘I had opened up a little bit before the pregnancy in the hope that it would all become better when I saw that little baby,’ James explained. ‘But that is not how mental health works, and it didn’t.
‘I remember simply feeling nothing, holding Ted in the hospital and not wanting to leave, because I would have to be the father that I knew for sure couldn’t be. I was broken.
He went on: ‘Hannah would be upstairs resting, I would be holding Ted in tears saying “I’m sorry”, and wishing that he had a better dad and [thinking] that he was better off without me.’
He told hosts Rochelle Humes and Ore Oduba (both pictured) he would hold his child and cry while ‘apologising’ that he could not be ‘the father he deserved’
James went on to explain that ahead of his son’s birth, his fears began to ‘snowball’ and he would ‘scream at himself’ as he felt like a ‘failure’
He went on to explain that ahead of his son’s birth, his fears began to ‘snowball’ and he would ‘scream at himself’ because he felt like a ‘failure’.
‘You know how you should be feeling or how you’re told you should be feeling,’ said James.
‘When you don’t have those feelings, you think something is wrong and by the mid point of the pregnancy. All I could think about was responsibility, was the support I should be giving Hannah.
‘They begin to snowball and when unchecked, they become worries and fears and panic-inducing. At the seven month period, I would scream at myself, “You can’t do this, nobody can know but this is your failure, you are hopeless, you have failed”.
‘You begin to loathe yourself, you feel ostracised from society. It seems extreme but that’s how catastrophisation works.’
James explained that ahead of the pregnancy, he could not be comforted by words of loved ones.
James explained that it wasn’t until he felt he had ‘nothing left’ he was able to seek professional help
He told: ‘Every second given to Hannah about her physical and mental wellbeing was correct, mine as a father was sidelined.
‘I was asked how I was doing and they would say, “You’ll be fine”, and I would think “No I’m not, I’m going to let you down, I will let everyone down and you don’t actually care”.’
Following the birth of Ted, the pair temporarily moved to James’ family home on the Isle of Wight, but explained it wasn’t until he felt he had ‘nothing left’ that he was able to seek professional help.
He said: ‘Han was incredibly accommodating, she came with me to the Isle of Wight where, would it be better?
‘In the end, because she is a great mum, she knew she needed routine in her life and she went back home and her parents supported her.
‘I spiralled and I hadn’t until that moment, when all hope was gone, and I was ready to hold my hands up and say “I have nothing left”, did I seek a GP appointment.’
James, who now has another son Charlie with wife Hannah, is now a Dads’ Champion for Happy Parents, which runs antenatal courses for new fathers.