Saturday, January 23
American chat show legend Larry King has died aged 87.
I took over from him at CNN in 2010 after his 25-year reign ended as the world’s most famous celebrity interlocutor.
To sum up how incensed America felt about this insurrection of a national institution by a cocky young Brit, I was sitting near President Obama at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner soon afterwards when comedian Conan O’Brien declared in his speech: ‘CNN replaced the popular Larry King with one of the scheming footmen from Downton Abbey.’
American chat show legend Larry King (above) has died aged 87. I took over from him at CNN in 2010 after his 25-year reign ended as the world’s most famous celebrity interlocutor
Larry took it all very badly, soon describing my show as ‘like watching the mother- in-law driving your Bentley over a cliff’ (as I retorted to the eight-times-married star – he wed one wife twice – ‘which mother-in-law were you talking about? You’ve had seven…’), branding me a ‘pompous Britisher’, sneering that I ‘talked too much’ and sniping: ‘Piers makes it all about him.’
It was amusing taking lectures on verbosity and ego from a guy who built his entire career on talking and changed his name from ‘Zeiger’ to ‘King’.
But despite all his antipathy towards me, I still rate Larry as one of the greatest broadcasters and interviewers in TV history.
And he had great advice for anyone wanting to succeed in our line of work: ‘The trick is to care, but not too much. Give a sh*t – but not really.’
RIP Larry.
Sunday, January 24
Susanna Reid’s cleavage has been the subject of intense scrutiny after she wore a low-cut outfit on Good Morning Britain last week.
Normally, she’d hate this kind of attention, but time is a great healer. ‘I used to find this stuff demeaning and sexist,’ she admitted to me. ‘But now I’ve turned 50, I just think, bring it on – I’m delighted anyone’s still noticing.’
Monday, January 25
The new US President, Joe Biden, has been banned from using his Peloton indoor exercise bike at the White House because the high-tech gadgetry inside it is a security risk.
I absolutely love my own Peloton, mainly because you race against thousands of other people on a digital leader-board, which really appeals to my barbaric competitive instincts.
And to my delight, my bike appears to be calibrated at a slightly distorted level in my favour, meaning I often record stunningly good times to the bemused consternation of high-profile rivals.
Joe ‘The Body Coach’ Wicks (above) sent me a screen grab of my personal best performance of 742 kilojoules (units of energy) for a half-hour session
‘Holy sh*t!’ messaged golfer Rory McIlroy in disbelief recently after studying my account stats. ‘You must be out of the saddle the entire ride!’
His incredulity was matched by Joe ‘The Body Coach’ Wicks, who today sent me a screen grab of my personal best performance of 742 kilojoules (units of energy) for a half-hour session and exclaimed: ‘If this is legit, you’re officially an animal and I’d like to hire you as my personal trainer for Peloton. It’s totally mind-blowing numbers. Elite levels. My PB for 30 mins is 526kJ and I almost died in the process. You’re my new hero.’
I didn’t think anything could beat Cristiano ‘ripped rack’ Ronaldo telling me I had ‘great abdominals’, but the nation’s Mr Fitness begging me to train him is up there.
Tuesday, January 26
Our heated GMB exchanges with Government Ministers reached a nadir yesterday when Work and Pensions Secretary Thérèse Coffey dramatically cut off her Zoom connection rather than continue being challenged as to why we have the worst Covid death rate in the world, and prompted the Daily Star to clear its front page to shout: ‘As TV’s gobbiest presenter skewers another political pygmy, normally sane people are asking the same question: PM for PM?’
Well, the slogan’s got a good ring to it and honestly, could I do any worse than Boris?
‘I mean… in a way… I get it!’ emailed James Corden.
So did Dame Joan Collins, who immediately asked if she could be my Foreign Secretary.
And Ant Middleton, who declared: ‘You have my complete backing as Prime Minister. Count me in as Sports Minister.’
The fierce way Susanna and I go about holding the Government to account splits opinion. Some love it.
‘You two have been sensational holding politicians accountable for their actions or non-actions,’ messaged Sir Rod Stewart. ‘I’m sure they’ve all attended the University of Avoid the Question.’
His fellow musical knight Sir Bob Geldof texted to say: ‘A smarmy but sincere compliment on skewering these hapless incompetents who appear on your show. Uniformly awful and you seem the only one prepared to expose their ineptitude.’
And they were joined by a third singing star, Simply Red’s Mick Hucknall, who tweeted: ‘Must congratulate you two. No other media outlet is calling out this dreadfully inept Govt as effectively as you. Bravo.’
Lorraine Kelly was more succinct in that deliciously Scottish vernacular way of hers, saying simply: ‘Keep skelping their a*ses.’
But others are less impressed.
Jim Davidson, wearing a Cossack-style dressing gown in his kitchen, posted a video tirade of foul-mouthed abuse. The Right-wing comedian, who looked and sounded completely bonkers, raged: ‘Piers, I’m ashamed to have sat in front of you for my Life Story. You don’t deserve anyone’s Life Story because you don’t listen.
‘Now, you idiot, you want to lay blame on the Prime Minister to make yourself look good. You don’t look good, you look pathetic. And Susanna, so do you. You’re just Piers in a frock. Shame on the pair of you. Piers, I’m ashamed to even know you.’
This is obviously a crushing blow – but I’ll just have to somehow find the strength to cope with not having this vile ranting lunatic in my life, just as I’ve had to dump other famous ‘friends’ who’ve lost their minds during the pandemic.
As bookies’ odds on me becoming Prime Minister were slashed from 500-1 to 20-1, Ricky Gervais got in touch to register his concern: ‘You’re in danger of becoming a national treasure. No one wants that.’
‘Even I don’t want that,’ I agreed. ‘Got your eye on any position in my Cabinet?’
‘I think I’d rather fight blokes for money in a car park than be a politician,’ he replied. ‘So, Minister for bare knuckle boxing, I guess.’